When it rains, it pours.

Dear colleagues,

Today I stand in front of you, honored to be invited to speak in front of so many I respect and admire, to present my new theory.

As we all know, the scientific method is simply a step-by-step procedure in answering questions. We gather data by observing the world around us, perhaps by noticing patterns or cause-and-effect relationships. Then we formulate hypotheses from these observations and then work on experiments to prove or disprove them.

This proposal I present today, however, is a product of observation alone--no experiments have been done yet--but its occurrence has been so consistent in the past few years, that I was actually quite perplexed to find that this theory has not been proposed before. I suppose, I would like to to ask for your help as well in verifying these observations. Ladies in the audience, I appeal to you specifically.

The paper I am presenting today is on a theory I like to call "Theory of Multiple Portions". Yes, yes--I have anticipated your objections--ladies and gentlemen, please hear me out. I know it sounds too much like The Law of Multiple Proportions or Dalton's Law as we like to call it, and it is for this reason alone that I have refused to even consider calling it "Dr. Drey's Theory" --although I have to admit, I wish to be remembered as its proponent. To top it all, it has something to do with chemistry as well--physical chemistry, as a matter of fact.

Now, let us get back to the topic at hand. This theory states simply that:

The only thing a girl needs to get laid, is to be already getting laid.

Gentlemen, please! Ladies, I see that I have your full attention. Now, ladies, I am sure you have noticed that unless we have steady partners, people expect us to be chaste--and chased I might add--and when we do choose to have some casual, recreational intercourse, the men expect us--with a certain dread of course, but expect us nonetheless--to act like some version of Glenn Close in that movie, Fatal Attraction.

(Just a side note: I have written a rather extensive paper on how that movie, Fatal Attraction, has fatally reduced women's chances of getting equal treatment as players in the field of sexual intercourse. This has been published in the 16 December 2006 issue of Nature Volume 666 Number 5243, should you like to read on it some more.)

This expectation of women to act like raging lunatics after one night of sex has always fascinated men, and although I grant that they don't look forward to its realization in their own lives, there is a certain fantasizing that it happens at least once--a kind of validation, if you will.

How is this related to my theory? As women have evolved over the years after that movie, we have taken two options in response to it: (1) have sex only when we are in a monogamous relationship; (2) have sex like a man, i.e., one-night stands, fuck buddies, etc.

However, having "sex like a man" is not as easy for women as it sounds, especially in this country--am I right, ladies? Sadly, we have learned that, simply because a woman is open-minded about sex, it doesn't necessarily mean that the men are open-minded about these open-minded women. There is no direct proportionality to this relationship.

Therefore, women have come to understand that even though the choice of sex is up to them, it doesn't necessarily mean bed partners left and right of the equation. Thus, such common observations as, "When it rains, it pours" for the lucky ones, and the comfort of a book on the bedside for those who aren't--studies show that Liwayway Arceo's "Uhaw ang Tigang na Lupa" is a favorite among the unlucky group.

I suppose given this disparity--multiple portions or nothing at all--the next step should be to test hormonal reactions of women in the two groups. Questions like, "Does the lucky group give off more pheromones than the other?" arise. Of course since we are studying two groups which can be designated as ones and zeroes (strictly in terms of haves/have-nots, I mean), there would have to be two control groups as well to properly ascertain significant differences in the result. For these, I propose virgins as control for the zeroes and pros for the ones.

Of course, I am getting ahead of myself here. I understand that my purpose here today is simply to present this theory, and ultimately to ask for help in formulating an experimental method to test it.

Ladies and gentlemen--where have the men gone?--anyway, ladies, thank you for your kind attention.


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The text above is a transcript of Dr. Drey's speech and proposal presented to the Physical Chemistry: Modern Problems conference, 24 - 26 May 2007, in various venues in Quezon City, Philippines.